He's walking. George is walking to us.
Hello, ladies.
So, Leo? What's the excuse for not writing me jokes?
What? You could have made money.
I told both you guys to write jokes for me, and you decided not to.
What, did you have to go to LensCrafters that day?
I was just joking. I like your glasses.
He wanted both of us to write jokes for him, and you didn't tell me?
I apologize. It's not worth, like, losing your shit over, man.
What, you don't think I like money?
You don't think I like private jets?
You don't think I want a cool job writing for George Simmons?
I just think you're doing well.
You know, you're getting gigs at the Improv all the time.
You're gonna have people writing for you.
You don't need to be writing for other people, you know.
I know, I'm just... I'm sorry, I just...
I wanted something for myself and I just, you know...
It's just, you know, fuck you, Ira!
Just 'cause you go into faggy-apology mode
doesn't mean I'm gonna forgive you right away!
Fuck you, man. Look, I did the exact same thing you've been doing this whole time.
You're being competitive. You do that all the time.
I'm doing it now, okay?
I didn't make it competitive! Yes, you did.
Have you ever had to work for money? No.
You didn't work at a coal mine, Ira!
You worked at a deli! Stop crying about it!
I was only supposed to be on that pull-out couch for six months!
And we were supposed to trade! And we never did!
Yeah, we never did switch after six months.
Yeah. Exactly.
You know why? 'Cause I pay rent, Ira!
You don't pay rent. Your parents pay rent!
Why don't they move in? It's your fault.
Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims, Indians, can we please stop fighting?
It's Thanksgiving. We have guests inside. Please stop.
I'm not fighting anymore. I'm done fighting.
Thank you. LEO: You called Daisy a starfucker?
Why don't you go cup George Simmons' balls
while you talk him to sleep every night, Ira?
Leo.
Sorry.
I would let you do that, too. My balls are for everybody.
Okay. It's starting to feel like Thanksgiving around here.
Let's eat some food.
I can't believe you screwed Daisy, man.
What?
So, does anybody want to say grace or anything?
Leo's a good writer, apparently. Come on, get up there.
Yeah, Leo.
Leo! Do it, Leo.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
All right, let me go. I'll do it for us.
Let me get it done.
Okay, so first let's give thanks to our families not being here.
It's always easier, always easier without the family.
It's funny, I see you guys and you are just so much younger than me.
And I had no idea I was the old guy until I looked at you guys.
It was like when I was growing up, I had a big nose.
I had no idea until I went to the Gap and saw a three-way mirror,
and I was like, "Wow, I didn't know I had that thing."
Yeah. No, it's a... It's good to be young.
It kind of sucks being old, so just enjoy this.
Enjoy time. Time slips away, I promise you.
I had a dinner like this 20 years ago
with guys that we just, like, lost touch with each other.
I never talk to them anymore. Some of them are dead.
So, yeah, you don't... Things slip away.
If you love somebody, don't let them slip away.
I swear to you,
this will be your most memorable Thanksgiving,
the one that you'll want the rest of your life, the one that you say,
"Man, it was never as good as that night."
So, let this night be great. Enjoy the taste of Leo's balls.
Rock 'n ' roll!
Jesus, every time I'm near you I feel like fucking Danny DeVito.
Everybody feels like Danny DeVito when, you know, they walk by me.
Yeah. You're a giant.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.
Um...
I don't want to get your hopes up.
Mmm-hmm.
We put you on this experimental medication without much optimism.
About 8% of all the people that we put on this medication get positive results.
Mmm-hmm.
You actually belong to these 8%.
I looked through your blood work,
and I couldn't find any traces of the disease.
I don't want to speak too soon,
but we may have beaten this thing.
Are you fucking with me 'cause I fucked with you?
So, that's the good news, Mr. Bond.
So, this is, this is... This is good news.
Like my accent now?
Now I like your accent, yeah.
I was excited all morning to tell you this news.
So, what happens now? What do I... What do I do now?
Maybe you can make another funny movie that I could laugh about.
Yeah. Wow. I wasn't expecting this to really work.
I was getting used to being sick.
I was actually thinking I was pretty good at that.
Get back to your life.
Hey, this is Ira. I'm not in. Leave a message.
Ira, I have a secret to tell you. It will make you happy.
Hi. Bonita?
George.
I was sick, you know that. And I just went to the doctor's.
He said I'm not sick anymore.
Oh, congratulations.
I found the pants you're looking for. They are in the closet.
Thank you.
Bye, George.
George! Is it true?
It's true. Yes!
It's all right. All right, go ahead. Yeah!
All right.
Oh, God! Yeah!
All right, baby.
All right, all right. Now what the fuck do we do?
Hey, congratulations, George. That's awesome, man.
Thank you. You got cured of AIDS.
I didn't have AIDS.
Hey, let me get you a cocktail.
Hey, not an AIDS cocktail. A regular.
No, I don't want a drink. I'm good.
I'm gonna get one of them ribbons.
You're alive? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Unbelievable! This guy. This guy, man.
You got the women, you got the fame, and you can't fucking die!
Did you suck the devil's dick? What is it, man?
I wanna know the secret.
I actually told a bunch of people we did have sex,
so if you could go along with that.
You did? Yes.
Everybody wants to fuck me, but it's better that I don't
because you don't want...
The mystery is definitely more flattering...
Yeah?
...and the reality is so, like, flobbety.
Like not the word, but... Floppety? Yeah, lippety.
Yeah, I look like this. Like a sandwich.
Like a... There's, like, meat coming.
That would have been... I could get...
Look at that!
"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"
Shit! Shit! I didn't know you had energy like that. Jesus...
How did he... Like, how did he know he had it?
He was saying... He said that he was, like, dizzy and tired and he went to the doctor,
and then he just got... It was in his blood work.
That sucks 'cause I get dizzy and tired.
Really?
Anybody... Anybody gets sick, I think I'm going to get it.
Now, is it contagious? It's not contagious?
No. Can you get it, like...
I hope not. I don't think so. I've been around him a lot. I feel...
I feel... I hope not, too, because
when you were talking, a little bit of your spit hit my lip, so...
It did? Yeah. Not that you got it,
but he spits on your lip, you spit on mine, next thing you know
I'm dead and my wife's fucking George Lopez.
But I think the best thing for you would be, you know...
The best cure, besides the real cure,
is to get back to work and do what you do.
There are stacks of offers on my desk for you.
I mean, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an offer for you.
Oh, good. Yeah, you ready for this?
Paul Rudd wants to do a bromance with you.
I think I might... I just might even not work for a little while.
I was thinking maybe just, like, taking time off,
try to get myself in a relationship with, like,
another human being, a normal one.
Just see if I can handle that.
Funny you should say that. I've... 'Cause I invited someone.
Brought... Invited this woman here today that I think you'd really like.
I think you'd really hit it off with her.
She's... She's great. She's something new for you.
A real person. She's not a waitress.
She's not an actress.
All right, thanks.
You know, the Internet dating thing actually... Actually kind of works.
That's good.
I've actually been on a couple of JDates.
No way. What's that?
Yeah... What's a JDate?
What, is that an Internet thing I should know about?
I'm not... I don't do that shit.
It's a website where Jewish people can find each other.
Really? A whole list of Jewish people? Yeah.
I didn't think Jewish people liked to be on lists.
Because of the Holocaust.
Wow.
How's this going, by the way?
It's been great to meet you.
You know what? I think you fucked up.
How's that?
I think you fucked up. I think...
I don't think you should have took that medicine.
Why not?
I don't know. Personally, I think you should have just let yourself die.
Honestly, man, what are... What are you gonna do now?
Make another bullshit movie?
Fuck another chick who doesn't like you?
You know? That was your way out right there.
Hmm. Now you're fucking stuck.
Yeah.
You're stuck just like me.
Can't go to fucking Chuck E. Cheese.
I can't go to Target, I can't go to Best Buy.
I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, Kmart.
You fucking name it, I can't go there.
Yeah, that's true.
Everyone in this fucking room is either staring at us,
wanting to take a fucking picture. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah. Got it.
E-mail that to me.
I will. That's awesome. Yeah.
Who the fuck is that guy right there? That fucking guy right there.
What? Ray Romano's bothering you?
Who? Ray, Ray who?
Ray Romano, the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond.
I don't give a fuck what show he's on.
I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man!
Hey. Hey, Ray!
Hello, Marshall.
Fucking problem here, buddy?
Would you like to fuck me? Is that what this is?
I don't get it, man. What's going on?
Would you like me to fucking bend over for you right now?
Say no. No, man.
I just gotta always be on my toes, man.
You know?
I see that, but not with Ray Romano.
This is why I don't go out of the house.
I thought everybody loved you.
So, now that you got this, this second chance, man, like, what do you want?
I kind of don't want anything.
So, then what are we celebrating?
Clarke?
Yes, it's Clarke.
It's Clarke and I... I'm calling to check on you, matey.
Yeah.
I'm back from the sea. It's fun to play with my didjeridu!
You sound a little bit like a pirate.
Do I sound Australian? Is this what Clarke sounds like?
That's a terrible Australian accent.
What are you doing, Laura?
Am I bothering you? Is he there? No, no, no, no, no.
Am I supposed to hang up? What's going on?
Clarke's away for business in China.
Ah! Sent him out for egg rolls again?
Are you guys all right? What's going on?
Mable has her recital tomorrow.
She's singing Memory from Cats.
Oh, yeah?
You know that song, Memory?
Yeah. I wish I could be there to see that.
You can come.
I can come? All right, I'm coming.
Your daughter will be all right with that?
That I'm sitting right next to you holding you tight?
Stop. How are you feeling?
I'm doing good. I'm doing...
It is what it is. I...
So, what happened with your tests?
Laura, let's not talk about all that.
What did the doctor say?
The Swedish Nazi? He never has good news.
It is what it is. I don't want to talk about it.
Come on, let's just talk about you.
What are you doing, Laura?
Do you want me to talk you to sleep?
Oh, my God. You remember.
You want me to do that for you?
You will talk to me while I try to go to sleep?
I'll put you on speakerphone. That will be the best night of my life.
Let's not go to sleep yet, though, please. Just talk to Laura.
Hello?
Hi, Ira.
Hey, how's it going?
Ira, you're my best friend.
I like you, too.
You're my best friend.
You sound like you're in a good mood, man.
I'm in a great mood because we're setting sail today.
We're gonna do a gig together!
Ira and Georgie, finally on the road!
Oh, we're setting sail, are we? Where, where are we going?
We're going to the Port of San Francisco. We set sail on the morrow.
How much time am I supposed to do?
Oh, they've booked you to do a minute for every inch of cock you have.
You'll be doing two and a half to four minutes,
depending on your mood, little Ira.
I was invited to a... Or I was able to go to a fundraiser
for Barack Obama, when he was running for president.
And you could walk right up to him and I did.
And I prepared a smart question and I was like,
"Senator Obama, when you were a student in Boston, did you encounter any racism?"
And he said something really, really interesting. He said...
He said, "I'm Kanye West."
George, you have a visitor.
Oh.
Hi. Whoa!
Hello. Wow.
Hey, hi! Hey!
All right. How are you?
I'm good.
I'm so psyched you came.
Wow, you look amazing! Thank you.
Beautiful. I think I overdressed.
No way. You look incredible.
I just...
Where... Where is he? Where is the Clarke?
The Clarke? He's out of town. I was gonna bring my friend Betsy with me,
but her son started throwing up, so...
The husband's out of town, baby's vomiting. Rock 'n ' roll.
I like it. Yeah. Yeah.
Anyway, I don't want to keep you
or get in the way.
No, don't run away. Come on, Ira, say hello.
Hey, Ira.
Hey, how's it going?
So, I'll let you go. I just wanted to say hi.
No cursing. Don't curse so much.
Okay, all right! Nothing dirty. I don't know how.
You just cut my set in half, but that's fine. All right, see you, kid.
Okay, good luck.
Thanks for coming.
You gotta tell her I'm better at intermission, all right?
You haven't told her that you're better?
No, I'm not good at stuff like that.
Just... She'll be cool with it. She'll be...
You're giving her good news, she'll be happy.
We're gonna go by her house tomorrow, too.
Yeah, we're just visiting her. I just want to say hi,
see how she's doing, where she lives, that kind of thing.
Why did you guys break up in the first place?
I cheated on her.
Why would you cheat on her?
It's easy not to cheat when no one wants to fuck you, you judgmental prick.
Okay.
I have a theory that Tom Cruise, David Beckham and Will Smith
have mooshed the heads of their penises together.
I think that this has happened.
I don't think it happened in a gay way.
I think it just happened out of boredom.
I think just rich-dude boredom.
Just like, "What have we not done, guys? We've done everything!"
"I'll tell you one thing we haven't done."
And I bet when it happened, it was an epic occurrence. It was huge.
I think of it all the time.
I think first, you know, David and Tom touched dick heads.
And it was easy, just zoonk. Because there was a magnetic field to it.
And then Will Smith started approaching with his dick
and, like, wind started blowing in his face,
and paper started flying everywhere and he just couldn't do it.
And they're like, "Come on, Will, get it in there!"
"I can't do it!"
Beckham yells,
"Don't cross the streams! It's like Ghost Busters!"
And then he does itand Flash by Queenstarts playing.
It's just, Flash! Ahhh!
Light shoots into the sky! That's how stars are born, I think.
Anyway, I'm Ira Wright. Have a good night. Thank you, all, very much.
Hey. How's it going?
That was so good!
You seem so surprised.
Well, you looked so nervous before.
I was, actually.
That was good. That was really good.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
And the ball cleavage thing, that was hilarious.
Classic stuff. Thank you. Glad you're having fun.
George says that he's known you for a while. How did...
Yeah. How did you guys first hook up?
I was the hat-check girl at the Improv and I was an actress.
So, you kind of... Yeah, yeah.
That's good. What, were you in anything I might've seen?
I did those, like, Melrose Place and 90210.
Awesome.
I always played the bitch.
I wasn't that good, actually.
No, you must be a great actress,
'cause you're not at all bitchy, so...
Thanks, Ira.
Okay, look, I'm not... Honestly, I'm not supposed to be telling you
what I'm about to tell you because George... He doesn't want to jinx it.
It's not 100%, but the last time that he went to the doctor,
they couldn't find any trace of the disease in his blood work anymore,
so it seems like he might be better.
What are you talking about?
Ladies and gentlemen...
We think he might be okay.
...George Simmons!
Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah.
It's great to be here.
It's great. It's great to be alive!
Yeah, man. Thank you. Right on. Okay.
Thank you for coming, George!
Thank you. All right.
That's very nice. Man, oh, man.
Any other 40-year-olds out there tonight? In their 40s?
It's funny. In your 20s you're like,
"Fuck you, man. Fuck that shit.
"Fuck my parents. I don't need none of that shit."
In your 30s you're like, "Fuck the President.
"Fuck that guy, that fucking asshole."
In your 40s you're like, "I'm hungry.
"What do we have in the fridge?"
So, yeah, I'm fucking famous and rich, and it's crazy.
It's... You know why? 'Cause I hate rich people.
Fucking I'm rich and I hate rich people.
I hate everything I fucking do now.
I go to Hawaii, I'm like,
"You fucking snotty cocksucker, going to Hawaii."
Buy a new car, "La-di-da, look who's got a new car."
You know, I thought about giving all my money, just giving it away,
but then I was like, "What a rich-guy thing to do.
"Mr. Charitable."
Well, why didn't you tell me? I was just here.
Laura, if I told you, you might not have talked to me anymore, so I...
What are you talking about? That's ridiculous.
I knew you forgave me because I was sick
and there was no other way you would forgive me.
I know, but it's different now.
We've been talking... What are you... No!
Really?
This is... So, what are you... So, did the...
The doctor said I'm good. I'm better for now.
I don't know what the hell's gonna happen,
but for now the guy said I'm good.
I'm so happy.
You are happy?
Mmm-hmm. God, thank you. Thank you.
All right. Yeah.
You okay, man?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
I hope they got some food.
Hey, hey.
Hi! Hi.
I'm so glad you guys came. Hello. Hi.
Good to see you. Wow. Hi. How's it going?
Hello, Ira.
Oh! Thank you.
Jeez. Beautiful house!
Thank you.
How long have you guys been here?
We've been here about five years now.
What's up?
This is my friend, George. And this is Ira.
This is Ingrid.
Wow! George didn't mention you had a daughter.
Have you seen any of my movies?
I saw the movie where you had a baby body.
So, you saw Re-Do. Can you do the face?
Hey, that's a good impression.
Don't leave me in the playroom!
This is my daughter, Mable. She just got braces.
Oh, yeah? Let me see them.
You mind if I eat a little bit of that sandwich right there?
Ira? I'm... I'm full.
Do you guys want to play the peanut-butter game?
It's fun. You want to play?
Let's do it! Ira?
Yeah, I like peanut butter, yeah.
Let's do the peanut-butter game!
All right! Hooray!
Peanut-butter game! Peanut-butter game!
Okay, just put a little bit.
- Okay. - What's she doing?
A little bit.
Okay, okay. I think that's good.
This is what you guys do in your free time? Okay.
- There he is! - Oh, boy.
Come on.
He got her. He got her.
Oh, so, you're supposed to do it on the ears.
George's turn! Yeah! George's turn!
No. I don't want to do that.
Yeah, George's turn! No, Ira will go. Let Ira go.
No, no, George.
Come on. Okay, all right!
I just washed my hair this morning.
George! George! George! George!
Oh, God!
No!
Just not the...
Look at this.
That's not the game!
And we have a pond with a Buddha and...
Wow!
Does that hurt?
So, what... Who is a good... You're a good guy, you're a bad guy?
Now I go.
And now I go.
You can't move. You're stuck.
Ira. - Hey.
Hey, Laura asked if we want to eat dinner here tonight.
Oh. Thank you. What... We...
It's like an eight-hour drive back.
We won't get home till like 5:00 in the morning that way.
We'll figure something out.
So, we're gonna go to the grocery store and get some food so I can cook.
Home-cooked meal. Perfect.
Okay. So, you're okay to watch the girls?
Yeah, definitely. I'm good with kids.
I was a... I was a Jewish summer camp counselor for five years.
But I'm good with non-Jewish kids, too.
Okay, so we'll be right back. It's around the corner.
Very good.
Should I have worn my jogging shoes? Where are we going?
You sure? You sure you want to do this?
Mmm-hmm.
Wherever my husband is, he's probably doing the same thing.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Jesus.
Echo, echo, echo.
You know, when I broke up with you,
I tried to find somebody who was the exact opposite of you.
But Clarke is exactly like you.
It's like I'm programmed to find the same person,
like there's some lesson I'm supposed to learn from it all.
How many times did you cheat on me?
I don't want to paint a picture.
I was young and stupid, but I changed, I swear to God.
How exactly have you changed?
I got a peek at something most people only get to see once.
You know, I went to a psychic who told me that...
That you and I would get back together when we were 70.
And she also said not to eat any chicken.
Well, we couldn't wait.
Mmm-hmm.
You loved me before anybody loved me.
I know.
This is the only place that I ever wanted to be.
When is George gonna die?
George is gonna die?
No. Why would you guys say that?
I heard my mom talking to her friend on the phone, and she was crying.
I don't want George to die.
Why do you care? You just met him.
Shut up.
You shut up! Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys.
George is not gonna die.
George, he was sick, but he went to the doctor
and they gave him different types of medicine
until they found one that worked.
And now he's gonna be just fine.
He's gonna live a really, really long time.
I think my mommy loves him.
Well, you know, we all love him.
He's made a lot of great movies.
I think she loves him, like, loves him.
Love. Love, love, love.
Love, love, love They're gonna have a baby
Baby, marriage, love
They're gonna have a little MerMan baby.
You saved my acting reel? I was wondering where this was.
Why didn't you give this to me?
'Cause I was watching it.
You know, I always get the feeling that you think I'm stupid or something.
Look at my hair! I look like a leprechaun.
No.
I am stupid.
Ooh! Is my voice still that high?
No! No, no, no, no. No, but they need you back in Munchkinville.
They miss the mayor.
Shut up!
That was the best time in my life.
I got something else for you. You might remember these.
Please tell me you do!
Are these my favorite butt jeans?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Really?
Yeah, you can have them back.
I'm so excited! Yeah.
Do you think they still fit me?
I guarantee it.
I'm so happy!
I guarantee it. Get in those.
These used to kill me. Oh, my God, they're so faded.
Oh, shit!
They fit!
They look good! Really?
Yeah, that's the same ass!
Fucking ass is perfect. Minus that camel coming out the back.
Bump and groove it
To the left now To the right, y'all
Slap that shit!
Look at that! They're like Mom jeans.
Oh, yes. If Mom needed to get banged again.
Thank you.
Yeah, get over here.
Don't leave me. Don't leave me.
Oh! Hey, guys, what took you so long?
We were checking out the town, man. Beautiful!
Where are the groceries?
We decided that eating in might be more fun.
Oh, no, you didn't.
How could you do that, man? No.
I didn't do anything, Ira.
No, I know you did it. I know you did.
All that's missing is your Popsicle. Come on.
Ira, are you cranky right now?
Do you need food in your belly?
No.
Come on, we're gonna order in a pizza.
Of course, Mr. Peters.
I'll be at the...
Lunch meeting.
You're serving seafood?
I love seafood!
Okay, see you there!
Pizza's here! Yeah.
I'll be right back. Yes.
I'm the pizza monster!
Hi, honey!
Clarke. Hi, sweetie.
Hi. What are you doing here?
Decided to surprise you.
The guy I was meant to have the meeting with had a heart attack
while I was waiting in reception for him.
It was unbelievable. Wow.
Next minute, this Chinese George Clooney guy
comes running past with, like, the...
What's it called? A defibrillator?
Starts zapping him. Right. Yeah, I've seen it.
It was like an episode of ER, but with Chinamen.
I missed you.
I know you.
Yes.
How you doing?
This is George Simmons.
He had a big comedy concert last night.
Oh, okay.
And so, I asked him to pop by and come visit.
Hope that's good. I...
I love the stand-up comedy.
Yeah, yeah. How'd it go?
They didn't... They didn't boo me off the stage, so that was a plus.
Yeah, they're a bunch of bloody cheese eaters up here.
Yeah. No, they were very nice. Yeah.
You have a... You have a very nice family, man,
and a great, great home.
Thank you.
Well, it's good to have you home.
The kids are dying to see you if...
Ira's hungry for...
G'day. Clarke.
Good day, I'm Ira.
Your husband's here. - Yeah. Yep.
Ira is George's opening act. He's really funny.
Really? He looks funny!
Thank you.
How'd you go last night?
You know, they didn't boo me off or anything, so...
I just said that one.
It was great. Yeah.
They just popped by, I gave them a tour of the house.
We were gonna have dinner, but it's not...
It's probably better that we do family dinner
since you're only in town a few days.
No, stay. That's a great idea.
The more the merrier.
Okay. Let's do that.
Thank you. - Great.
I'm gonna go say hi to the kids.
Okay. Okay.
That's hilarious.
You can't tell him that you're better, okay?
He'll know that something happened between us.
I won't. Okay?
'Cause I've been married for 12 years now and I have kids.
And I can't just throw it away this second, okay?
Hey, we'll be fine. I'm a good actor. You're a great actress.
Right. He hated you until he found out that you were sick.
And if he knows that you were here and that you're feeling better, he's gonna know.
So, don't say anything.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Of course. Sure. I'll do that.
People never thought China would do that much business with the US,
but I never saw it as a big deal. You look at it like this.
You've got a billion people.
We make all kinds of cool shit.
They find out about the cool shit, like, on the Internet and stuff.
And they're gonna want the cool shit.
Cool shit's universal.
China's been good, but I'm trying to get into North Korea now.
That's the next... That's, like, the next frontier.
Wow. Wow. North Korea? North Korea.
Those people would blow you for a Wii Fit.
There you go.
This is really good pizza.
You know, they say, like, New York has the best pizza
and I always thought pizza in LA was only okay,
but who would have thought, you know,
Marin County is where they were really hiding the good pizza pies.
Clarke speaks fluent Chinese.
Really? Do you speak Cantonese or Mandarin?
Oh, well played, Ira. Mandarin.
Well gayed, Ira.
It's a bloody hard language, though, George. Jesus.
That was like a scene from Deer Hunter.
Girls, you can go and watch TV.
Go on. Whatever you want to watch.
So, George, how's the fight going, mate?
How is it?
Clarke. This is not something that he wants to talk about right now.
He has to think about it every day of his life.
And he's taking a break from it right now.
It's such a shame that somebody who has brought so much joy
to so many people has to go through this.
Shit. Shit.
I'm sorry, mate.
Laura. Laura. We don't need to speak in code.
I'm sick. I think about it all the time.
Mate, I don't know how you do it.
I would be crying in my panties if I was you.
I worship guys like you, that attitude.
Have you considered Eastern medicine?
Well, I don't know if this is considered Eastern medicine,
but I've been eating a lot of rhino cock.
If Clarke thinks it's the right thing to do, let me chew some.
For the last time, stop calling me Rhino.
George Simmons in my house!
Clarke took an herb once, and he had heart palpitations and diarrhea.
No, it's true. I shit myself, mate,
and I had a boner at the same time.
I want to take an herb that makes me as good-Iooking as you.
Jesus Christ!
If I were you I'd be at home all day fucking myself.
That's what I do!
All right! All right! We're cooking.
He's really funny. Mmm-hmm.
I don't know why his movies aren't funny, though.
That's weird, isn't it? Mmm-hmm.
He should put some of that on the silver screen.
So, just one drink, okay?
This isn't someone I want to spend a lot of time with.
This? This is the Australian me?
I'm so much better than this fucking idiot.
He seems like the nicest guy, ever.
He's trying to cure you with herbs for God's sakes.
I can't leave her alone here. I have to save her.
Save her from her beautiful house and lovely husband
and delightful kids?
Her husband's a skipping, cheating psycho.
You said nothing was going on between you two.
The dog could tell that you banged her.
And I'm getting nauseous and sweaty. I can't...
Get away from me! Get away from me! Go play with the kids.
Tim, are you asking me out on a date?
Would you like it to be a date?
Hey, bro, so your doctor called
and he said it is contagious, but only when inflamed, so you're cool.
Also, I was trying to do the laundry,
but I think I need to get some industrial-strength detergent.
What's up with all the skid marks, Dale Earnhardt, Jr?
Wow, I think I have a class.
You guys like this show?
No!
It's the worst show, ever.
Good.
Here you go. We're finished with the French shit.
We're into española!
All right.
China, man. Wow.
And you guys never see each other, huh? That must be rough.
Right? Rough on the kids.
It's not ideal, but the kids like to eat, so...
You ever see this girl act before? She was quite the actress.
Well, she's very good at pretending she still loves me,
so she's pretty good then, isn't she?
Yeah. I am.
Can't say I watched much of that Melrose Place stuff, though.
Although I did see the Party of Five episode you were in.
It wasn't really for me, you know.
Well, it was down to me and Cameron Diaz for the lead part in The Mask.
Cameron Diaz! That's my girl.
She's a bloody top actress, isn't she?
Hey, what was that film she was in with the bloody spuff in her hair?
Something About Mary!
I love that movie! She's so funny!
Just about shit my panties in that one.
No, no, no, there's not too many girls
that are this beautiful and sexy and funny and...
She had the whole deal.
Yes, but Cameron Diaz, fuck! I mean, come on.
See, if you had've done that movie,
you could have had the bloody spuff in your hair.
Look out.
What are you giving me the evil eyes for?
You're such a dick sometimes.
I'm not... Why?
Because.
I'm just saying you had your crack, you had your go at it.
I feel like I didn't reach my potential that...
Oh, please!
Oh, please, what?
I didn't reach my potential, either!
I could have been playing footie!
You weren't that good
at playing footie. I was.
You weren't.
You should thank me, George. I took a bullet here for you.
All right, on that note, I'm gonna head back to Los Angeles.
No, come on, stay.
No, it's fine. I'll split.
It's early. I've been here too long.
Schmira! We just started a bottle.
Nah, nah, nah. You guys have been the best. Schmira!
Thank you so much for having us, guys. Oh!
Shoot. - Uh-oh! Look out.
God, I'm sorry, guys.
Someone's had too much to drink.
Oh, man, no. No, I just kicked your pot by accident, that's all. I...
Hold it together there, Schmira. I'm just a... Oh, God.
It's okay.
You're staying here. You're not driving.
No way. We got a guest house, two spare beds. Done.
You two, plenty of room to stay. No, no. Ira can drive.
He... You're fine to drive, right, Ira?
I am. I just kicked your begonias, that's all.
No way! I'm not having America's favorite funnyman dead on the side of the road
'cause Schmira here's had too much to drink.
George, you can drive, right?
Bullshit! You're staying here.
Plus, there's a game of Aussie-rules footie on the dish tonight.
Semi-final. Saints versus Maggies.
Not that American shit. I want you to see it.
One condition. You Aussie pussies got any beer around here?
Yes, it's on...
Yes!
Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're a small fucker or a big fucker,
you can play this game because the small fuckers go in barreling
and they can get the ball over and the boys are scrambling.
Now watch. The little fuckers down there go.
There they are. Big fuckers smack them.
Little fucker. Little fucker. Off to a big fucker.
Now he's gonna go down to another big fucker. I hate that big fucker.
Where are the black guys?
This is... There's a couple out there.
I hate this team. Oh, yeah?
Magpies. Hate the Maggies!
They're like... I don't know what the equivalent in the NFL...
No helmets. No fucking helmets 'cause they're real men. See?
Love you. Just explaining the game to them. They're loving it!
Yeah, we gotta get going, you know.
Are you sure you can't stay?
We can't stay. We can't stay.
Yeah, it's my... It's my grandmother's 85th birthday.
We got family coming in from all over.
That's right.
She just had a stroke. In her leg.
So, you know, we gotta get back.
Yeah.
That's too bad you guys can't stay.
It is too bad.
Well, I wish I could say I was gonna see you again, George,
but I can't really say that, can I?
Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't.
You don't have to do that, honey.
No, I do have to do this, honey. I do.
You know what, mate?
If there's one thing I've learned from my Buddhist friends, the Chinese,
is to keep an open heart and to speak the truth.
So, what I want to say to you, George, is thank you.
Thank you for playing such a big role in my wife's life.
It's been great getting to know you.
And I wish you a peaceful journey from here on in and over to the other side.
Come here, mate.
Okay, we're gonna do this.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
All right.
Thank you.
All right, I appreciate your having us.
Don't worry, Daddy. He's not sick anymore.
Ira told us.
I didn't say that.
Yes, you did. Yeah, you did.
When we were coloring. - No.
Yeah. Yeah.
That's not true, girls.
No, that's not true. - I did not say that.
I don't know what they're talking about.
Liar.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
They were freaking out. They were worried about George.
I just said it so they wouldn't be scared. It was just...
Kids, go inside.
Can we watch Borat? Yeah, you can.
I don't wanna watch Borat. Yes, you... Come on.
See you guys.
What is going on around here? Is that true?
I never said that he was feeling better.
He just took some medicine and it's looking good for him
because they can't detect it in his blood,
but that doesn't mean that he's better.
These things are very tricky
and he didn't want to tell anybody because he didn't want to jinx it!
Is that true that you didn't want to jinx it?
Yeah. No, no, no, I... Yeah, I'm very superstitious.
Mmm-hmm.
You're a terrible liar.
No, nothing's going on around here!
It's completely innocent.
I left me ring... What accent is that?
...on the side table. Jamaican?
Don't mock me. I don't appreciate it.
Lots of people go to massage parlors.
That doesn't mean I was getting a rub-and-tug.
Those hairs on me jacket must've fallen off the waiter's pussy.
What the hell has gotten into you?
I was at a footie game!
Are you taking the piss out of me?
I would never lie to you, mate. Oi?
I'm not playing this game with you.
This is stupid. What a stupid game!
Clarke, let's tell each other the truth.
Just come clean with me.
There's nothing to tell.
There's nothing to tell?
There's nothing to tell.
You will never tell me the truth. That is a pussy move!
You know what? I'm not doing this.
I'm not being put on a cross for something I didn't even do!
Enjoy each other!
Go fuck your whores!
"Go fuck your whores"?
So, it's good that he left, and this is a huge relief for me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I don't need to be in a marriage that is like that, so I'm fine.
I'm not worried about that. I just want you to be okay.
I would be scared if I was you right now.
Are you kidding me?
This is what needed to happen.
I would run away.
No, I'm staying here.
Are you gonna run away?
Where am I running to? Only if you come with me.
I really need you around right now.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can you stay till Monday?
Absolutely.
Can't we just go and, like, come back later, you know?
I mean, if this is meant to be, it'll be.
We don't have to be here right this second.
Can't we just go?
Man, I don't... I see...
Jesus Christ, every instinct in my body is telling me to leave here, too.
Good.
But that's what led me to this shitty life.
I gotta stay here. I gotta do the right thing. I love her.
Right now, her husband is gonna come back and murder us, man!
Did you see his arms? They look like legs!
Shut up. Don't be an idiot.
I'm not being an... Imagine that you are a gigantic Australian man
and someone came into your home and fucked your wife.
You would murder him and then you would make a hat out of his skin
'cause that's what Australians do. Let's go!
Ira, this is deep shit. People get divorced.
They make mistakes, they change their lives.
It's not that big of a deal. She's married to an asshole.
She seems like a crazy actress, man.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Am I not allowed to be happy or something?
I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life.
This is the only girl I've ever loved
and I'm not supposed to do anything about this?
When am I supposed to be happy?
Why does everyone else get to be happy?
Look, George, I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend.
From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness
might be coming at the cost of destroying this family.
Okay, let me respond to that, as your friend,
and let you know you're not my friend.
You fucking work for me!
I didn't ask for your advice! You're overstepping your boundaries, man!
Now go get me a fucking Diet Coke!
And remind yourself that's what you do for me!
Now get the fuck out of here!
Fine.
Don't fucking leave! Sit down here! I don't want to be alone.
Okay, fine.
This is Mark.
Hey, Mark, it's Ira. How's it going, man?
Not too good. I didn't get the part in the Tobey Maguire movie.
That doesn't matter. I have a problem. I need help, okay?
Where have you been?
I'm in Marin County. Northern California.
Listen, I... I have to tell you something.
Are you sitting down?
Yeah. Okay.
The other night I went out to drinks
with the producers of my show
and Leo met up with us.
And they were enamored by him and they thought he was really funny.
And they offered him a part on Yo Teach...! and he took it.
I saw the episode. I know that that happened.
You watched it? I watched it.
Did you love it?
Yeah. He was great, right?
It was fine! I have no problem with Leo, okay?
Tell Leo, if he's got a problem,
to stop being a baby and to just get over it!
Why don't you tell Leo yourself?
'Cause Leo's been surveilling this whole conversation.
You dick. - Fucking asshole.
Leo,get off the phone! Screw you, Leo. Screw you.
Hey, man what have you been up to?
Sucking George Simmons' balls?
That's cool. I've been on Yo Teach...! living it up.
I'm sorry, Leo. Yo Teach...! sucks.
Go lose some more weight, Ira!
You look fucking weird skinny!
Leo, calm down!
You know what, Ira? I want to put my eyeglasses on your asshole
so it looks like you're blowing me when I'm fucking you in the ass, you jerk!
That doesn't even make sense!
You're gonna put glasses on my ass? What?
Ira, we will find something for you to do on the show, okay?
Teach can have more than one friend.
Can we talk about this later?
I am in a serious problem. I just need some advice, okay? Please?
Just listen to me for two minutes and tell me what I should do right now, okay?
Will you do that?
All right. If it's serious, I'm sorry. I will listen.
Okay. Here's what's happening.
I'm witnessing a slow-moving train wreck,
but if I do something, I will lose my job.
Are you serious?
So, what I don't know, is...
Screw you.
Higher! Higher!
I can't. I... I can't. Yes, you can.
You, you have to go down a little bit then
through the middle. LAURA: Be careful. Don't let him fall on you.
Where do I put my hand?
I spoke to Clarke. He's gonna be at the airport tonight heading back to China.
I'm gonna go tell him that when he comes back
he should find another place to live.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. What...
You... Yeah? Good. Good. Yeah.
You're gonna tell him?
I just don't want him coming back here.
You don't need him. No.
That'll just get you sick.
Good, you gotta tell him. So, when are you doing that?
Tonight? Yeah.
Okay, okay, I'm coming down.
Jump!
I talked to a girlfriend of mine,
and she has somebody who could show us
some houses down in Los Angeles.
And we'll get that whole thing going.
And then I was thinking about taking the kids out of school now,
but we should probably let them finish up because it's December.
And I don't want to mess everything up.
They have to finish the whole year here.
Yeah, that makes sense to me. So, if we just go down
at the beginning of the summer,
let them kind of transit. I'm supposed to do
a little two-week tour this summer.
I'm supposed to do it, but I don't need to do it.
No pressure on you. Look at you! There's no pressure on you.
I need to work and I want to get my acting career going again.
Good. Yeah.
She's whupping you, Ingrid! Good job there, Lulu.
So, she's gonna go to the airport tonight
and tell Clarke that she wants him to find a new place and...
What do you think of that?
I don't want to tell you what I think about that
'cause I don't want to get yelled at, George.
Oh, God.
I'm just nervous about the kids and, like, who's gonna get them
and does he get one and Laura gets one,
or am I gonna have both of them?
'Cause I love the little one, we kind of click.
But the older one is, like, you sense the period's coming soon.
I think she would probably get the kids.
All right, yeah.
I don't think you can have two girls in China.
What are you gonna do now? Look at this crew.
Why so close? Really?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You okay, little girl? You okay?
Oh, man. Are you okay?
Okay. I'm gonna show you Mable singing...
Mom, you make everybody see...
No, Memory from Cats. Come on! It's...
No. I hate that you show it to everyone.
I'll just show them the end part.
I'll just show you the ending. Okay.
Burnt-out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun
That was unbelievable!
Isn't that good?
That was insane!
That was like just seeing a little person sing an old person's song.
That was hysterical!
I got a friend who takes... He takes a lot of acid.
If he saw that, he would shit himself!
That's not supposed to be funny.
I know, I know, I know. I'm...
No, I think that's why it's funnier.
It was so amazing.
Wasn't that good?
I think I started crying a little bit.
Me, too. I cry every time I see that.
That shit was funny up there.
Okay. Wow, these guys are not gonna take no for an answer.
Yeah. They want me to do another baby movie.
They keep bumping up the gross on the DVDs.
I just... There's no way I'm doing it.
Okay. Bye.
Hey, George.
Yeah.
I'm going to... I'm gonna go to the store
and grab some cigarettes, okay?
I'll be back soon.
What? What do you need cigarettes for?
'Cause I'm addicted to them.
Why? 'Cause you look like the Fonz when you smoke?
I've always smoked. I just didn't do it in front of you 'cause you were sick.
And now that you're better...
Hurry up, though, man. I'm running out of gas with the kids here.
Okay. I'll hurry up.
Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can't wait till the morning
Are my parents getting a divorce?
Why... Why... Why do you ask that?
Just, like, I can tell. They're always fighting and...
How does that make you feel?
Well, he's already away a lot,
so it doesn't really matter that much, but...
Uh-huh.
That wouldn't be fun.
Maybe it would be better if they were separated.
Mmm-mmm.
No?
That's not good.
Right.
Clarke?
Laura, what are you doing here?
I don't know.
Mr. Way Chen, you need to get to the information desk. Thank you.
You've reached Ira.
Please leave me a message. Thank you.
Where are you? You gotta come back here.
I think I'm getting... I'm getting Ionely here.
I need some help. Just, seriously, hurry up.
I don't trust you. Am I imagining things?
You're not imagining anything, honey.
Two times. That's all I did was two times.
And I don't want to ruin everything just 'cause of two fucking times.
She couldn't even speak English.
Look at our life. You're driving the kids to school.
You're picking them up. You're like a single mother.
And you're not a single mom. You're my wife. You're my baby.
I shouldn't be in China
trying to sell Oreos to people who don't want to fucking talk to me.
I'm gonna get a normal job. I'm gonna be just around the corner.
It's just gonna be you, me and the kids.
All I want is a fresh start.
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
The George Simmons thing was just a flirtation.
It was nothing. He really was sick. He just got better.
I'm so fucking glad. Yeah.
I really like him. I do. I don't want to hate him.
I fucking love you.
Ira!
Hey!
What are you doing here?
I'm going back to Los Angeles.
LA?
Yeah.
You're in the Great China Air First Class Lounge, mate.
What are you doing?
Oh. Shit, this is a confusing airport.
I thought this was Panda Express.
Well, it's good to see you guys, though.
What's going on? Laura?
What the hell is going on?
Uh... Ask her.
I was so mad at you for the way that you've been treating me
that I was on my way here to tell you tonight
to find another place to live when you got back.
But then... I came here to stop her.
Shut the fuck up.
I slept with George once, but it's over.
It's done. And it was no big deal.
We didn't even have sex. He just went down on me.
That's worse.
Crikey.
He manipulated me with his disease!
Where is he? George, where is he?
He's at your house.
He's at our house? With our kids?
Please don't get that look on your face.
It was a mistake. I'm gonna kill him.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
I came here to stop... Who are you?
I don't know. Who are you?
What are you doing here?
I was trying to help you.
Get the fuck out of my life!
Okay.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Where is it? Where is it? Oh, God, where is it?
So stupid! Stupid shit!
I wanted to tell you I miss you. I miss your kisses.
I miss your short skirts. And I miss your smell.
Get the BabyBjörn.
We're gonna go findthat wizard.
Hey, girls. You look so cute.
You, outside.
Is he in trouble?
Yes.
What's gonna happen? I don't know.
What do you think I did?
Oh, shit!
Your friend sold you out, mate!
No, no, no, Clarke!
You think this is a game? Stop it!
What'd you think you were gonna do?
Come in and just fuck up my family?
Stop it! CLARKE: Is that what you thought?
Stop it. Stop. No, no, no, no!
I didn't fucking do anything! This sort of shit I kill for!
Don't kill him! Don't kill him!
You stupid shit!
No!
Fuck, man!
Come here! Run, George!
Don't hurt him, you maniac!
Cut the shit, guys!
Stop it!
Run, George! You're cornering yourself! Go that way!
Get away from me! Take it like a man, George!
Get away from me, you fucking crazy asshole!
You fucking asshole! Get away!
Oh, my God.
She's not happy with you!
No one who's married is happy, you idiot!
Get in a ball, George! Get in a ball!
Fight like a man! Get on your feet, would you?
I don't know how to fight! I'm a comedian, you fucking asshole!
Should I jump in?
No! No! Don't jump in!
Just get away from me, man! You traitor!
Go get more cigarettes, you liar!
I accomplished nothing!
They made up before I got there!
Where's your helmet now, Yankee?
Let's talk! Clarke!
Clarke, no!
Come on, pussy!
Help!
All right!
Stop!
I got him! I got him! You don't want this, Schmira.
You don't want a piece of me, Schmira!
I am gonna love this!
God!
You son of a bitch! I knew you didn't want me to be happy!
What are you doing, man? Look at this! You fucking suck!
You've gone crazy! You're a lightweight...
Get away from me, man!
...named Ira Wiener! Ira Wiener!
You should have died! Well, I ain't going nowhere!
I'm never gonna die! I hope you die!
I'm never gonna die, baby! Die!
Boys, stop it! IRA: I hope you die! I hate you!
I know what you're trying to do, the pair of you!
You're trying to distract me so I won't hit him!
Lackey! Lackey!
Wait!
Oh, shit, Clarke! Dude!
Are you okay, George?
Where's your stunt man now, hey?
Stop it!
Will you stop hitting me?
I'm better now, but it can come back!
Laura, tell him. Tell him what you told me.
Tell him that you love me more than you love him. Tell him!
Yeah, when she told you that,
did she think you were dying, huh?
Tell him. Tell him. Is it me or him?
Him.
What? Come on! Are you serious?
He's my husband. We have a family.
I love him.
And you didn't even cry when Mable sang Cats.
What's the matter with you?
I didn't want to lie. I don't know.
I've seen it on Broadway before.
It wasn't as good as it.
What are you guys doing on the lawn?
I'm hungry!
Nothing. We're just... We're just mucking around.
Come on. Go back inside.
Sorry, George. I'll always love you.
But what are we gonna do?
I love you.
I'm sorry I came up here. I shouldn't have come.
No, I'm glad you did.
Maybe when we're 70?
I hope you find a way to be happy.
Shit. He's coming back. He's coming back. Let's go.
Clarke.
You know what? I've just worked out why all this shit has happened.
In the East, they call this karma.
And I have brought all this shit upon us with my misbehavior.
That's why all this shit has happened.
This had to happen.
But some good shit's gonna come from this.
We have to learn from this, you know, all of us.
There's a good lesson here.
Underneath anger is hurt,
but underneath hurt is love.
You feel it?
Okay?
Yeah. Thank you.
I'm sorry about this.
Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.
Do you want me to drive?
No, you don't have to drive me. I'll drive myself.
In fact, you're never gonna have to drive me again because you're fired, Ira.
You're the only person that I've ever heard of
that learned nothing from a near-death experience, George.
You went backwards. You're worse.
You know what I am? A good friend.
I would never run to the airport and rat somebody out.
I don't have that in my DNA. That's not a friend, man.
A friend tells you. A friend comes up to you and says,
"Hey, you're in a heap of shit. You better not do it."
He doesn't run and tell the fucking girl.
Well... Wow.
Good. Fire me. I don't want to be around you anymore,
'cause you are fucking contagious!
You think I can't get another assistant?
I can't get someone else to write jokes for me?
You think I'm gonna lay in my bed going, "Aw, I miss my Schmira"?
You're a fucking no-thought. That's the beauty.
Once you're gone it never comes back in my brain.
You think getting Laura would have made you happy?
I know so. You think if you had a family right now,
you would be happy?
You'll never be happy, 'cause you're always gonna be stuck with yourself!
Unless somehow you can get away from you,
you're always gonna be miserable, George.
You are not funny.
Well, if that means I'm less like you,
then good, I don't want to be funny, okay?
Mission accomplished, Ira.
Bad career choice.
Comedy usually is for funny people.
Gotcha.
Chances are you've got a lot of stuff stuffed in your drawers and closets
that you don't really need.
Mary Bolster is editor-in-chief of Natural Health magazine.
She's here to help you get trashing, bagging and get organized.
Hello, Mary. - Hi, Hoda.
Okay, we do save things for the wackiest reasons.
Good morning. Hi.
I think I'm gonna forgive him today.
What? Really? Yeah.
Great! That's great news!
He's just gonna be so jealous that I'm on Yo Teach...! You know?
I just figured it'd be a cool thing to do.
Well, maybe we could find something for him.
You know, if it comes up organically, definitely, but we shouldn't force it.
You know? Right.
I don't want to be on Yo Teach...!
It's okay. I forgave you, you know?
Thank you.
So, how'd everything go up there this weekend?
I think I did the right thing, but George fired me and punched me in the face.
You want to talk about it?
No.
I kind of wish you would. It sounds like the greatest story, ever.
Wake me up at 2:00. I'll tell you about it.
Well, we're glad you're back.
Glad you're home.
I can't believe I have to start all over again.
Hey, man, how you doing?
Hey, how you doing? Heard you were sick.
You feeling better now? Over here!
George, second lease on life. What are you gonna do now?
Hey, guys, come on. Come on, I heard rumors
about another baby movie. What do you got, huh?
Yeah, yeah, we're gonna shoot that. That should be good.
Gonna start that in a little bit. Let me get by you, though.
It's nice up here, huh?
Yeah. How'd you find it?
Me and my friends, we hike up here and I always thought,
"You know, that'd be a great place to take
"a woman if you... If you knew one."
Well, now you know one.
Good.
Hey, I'm gonna give him the light.
Thanks, Mark.
Bailey, you're number two.
Hey, Ira. How you doing?
Good. How you doing?
Wassup, big money?
You guys know each other?
Yes. I've seen this young Jewish comedian.
Randy, what's happening?
I saw this cat down at Otto's yesterday. Made me a little panini.
Grilled chicken pesto. Shit was nice.
Yeah, I'm working at Otto's again.
So, you're going up?
Yeah, I'm about to go up now. See you guys.
Later!
Thank you. Thank you.
My friends are very sexually aggressive, which is hard for me.
You know, we'll watch television and they'll just see...
A hot girl will come on and they'll just be,
"Man, I wanna fuck the shit out of that girl, man!
"I'm gonna fuck that girl!"
And I, like, can't even say that.
I can't even pretend I would do that.
I see a hot girl on TV and I'm like,
"Man, I would friend the shit out of her!
"I'd friend her all night! I would be her girlfriend!
"I would drive her to the airport, man!
"I would hold her purse while she shopped, all over her tits!"
Thank you.
Hi, I need a pound of turkey and a half-pint of macaroni salad, please.
Um... Yeah, I'll just be one sec, okay?
Okay, thanks.
The last time I came here,
the roast beef you gave me had the string still around it
and I was unaware of this and fed it to my husband, and he choked.
How's it going, George?
You get a break or anything where you can talk?
Okay, yeah. Sure. Chuck, I'll be one sec, okay, man?
Shit.
So, you had to get your job back here, huh?
Yeah. You know, I figured I could use a little job stability.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I get health insurance. It's pretty good.
So, I thought a lot about what you said in the car to me.
A few of those things might have been accurate.
You tried to help me and I'm sorry I put you in the middle of all that stuff.
I'm better in my body.
My brain has a ways to go, though.
How are you doing, though? You're doing okay?
I don't know, Ira.
I...
I caught your whole set the other night, Ira. Nice.
Yeah, yeah, no, you're getting a rhythm.
You're starting to be the Ira I like in real life onstage.
Thanks. Yeah, I've been getting up a lot lately, so it's going well.
Yeah, you were funny, and it was a fart-free set.
I wrote some stuff down that night that... Some jokes.
You want to hear it?
You what?
I couldn't stop thinking of jokes for you last night. It was bizarre.
I'm not saying they're good jokes, but I try.
You actually wrote them down!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. My fucking memory's horrible.
That thing you did about the Wii Fit thing. What's that?
Oh, like, "My video game..." Yeah.
"My video game told me I'm fat?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah. "The ultimate betrayal." Yeah.
Right, right. You could maybe say, "I mean, that's like my pot telling me I'm lazy."
Oh, that's really funny.
"And the Wii is similar to my grandmother.
"She used to tell me I'm getting chubby
"and then bring me chicken parmesan and say, 'Why are you so fat?'"
That's really funny!
It's true. The video game made me fat and... It is like my grandmother.
All right. "Why are you so fat?
"Here's four gallons of chocolate milk."
That's good! She would always do that.
That's good. I got one I've been afraid to tell,
kind of, about, like, Viagra. It's like, "My grandfather takes Viagra
"and he thought he was tittie-fucking my grandmother..."
Yeah? "But then he realized he was tittie-fucking
"his own balls."
That's funny! You got to do that!
That's pretty funny, huh?
You got to say that the thing... That when you're that old
and you have a boner that there's not a good position, you know?
That's funny! That's really...
You do it doggy-style, your knees hurt.
You get water on your knee.
"I can't even hold myself up in..." Exactly.
"What would an old man do?" Yeah...
Let's do another bad one then
'cause I like it when the blood drains from David's face.
Okay.
Burnt-out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory Of my days in the sun
If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day
has begun